I got a new job. Yesterday I had to get blood work, a physical, and a TB test. I was already a little upset because X had text me about something random. I kept it short and polite, but after seeing him slobbering all over a barely 21 yr old blonde Saturday night (and him texting me at 3 a.m. saying he wanted only me), it was upsetting to hear from him.
So I'm in the lab, waiting to get my blood drawn, and the girl in the lab says, "I haven't seen you out lately." I said, "I was out Saturday." She asked with who, and I said, "Not with Jeff." I knew exactly what she was asking, no reason to beat around the bush. She said, "I saw your douchebag last weekend. A bunch of the girls from OB were there and he finally got one of them to dance with him, and then he followed around her all night. I finally walked up to them and said, 'If any of you date him, I'll hate you.' They said, 'Why', and I told him he was a player. They said, 'Oh, we can play.'"
I just stood there. I'm not sure which part disgusted me worse...that she felt I wanted to hear that X is up to his old bullshit, or that girls are being warned about this idiot and they welcome it with open arms. I can't say much...I was warned repeatedly, by several different people, and didn't listen. And then we wonder why we're stuck in such awful relationships with men who treat us badly. BECAUSE WE LET THEM.
Anyway...it ate at me all day. Ruined my whole fucking day. I was angry that she told me, I was angry that he's telling me he still loves me and wants me and misses me and is trying to get laid every night the bar is open, and I was angry that I was angry. It's been six weeks! I want to feel better, not worse. I cried myself to sleep last night.
Let me be very clear: We are past the point of getting back together...not that either of us would, anyway. He says he still loves me, but I can tell the way he talks to me now that things are different for him, too. We're in a different stage of the break up than we were just a few weeks ago. I DO NOT want him back. I am mourning the man I was in love with. He never existed, and I feel like he has died. I'll never see him again. I'm mourning the plans we'd made. I'm living with the pain every hour of every day that is created when I see or hear something that reminds me of him. Which is every commercial, every television show, every movie I've seen in the last year and a half, and every song I've heard in that time. Every place I've been. I feel like I'm in Hell.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Week 4.2...Epiphany
I finally named my grief Golum. Nothing else seemed to fit. It took on this inhuman persona in my mind every time I tried to associate it with a name, and the creature from LOTR that follows Frodo around, and who has a love/hate relationship with Frodo fit my grief to perfection.
A couple of weeks ago, I saw my ex boyfriend, who I shall refer to as X. I went out with a couple of friends of mine, fully aware that I would run into X, because X, when single, is a barfly. X is a really good two-stepper/swing dancer, and he feels like dancing with girls is the sole attribute he has going for him as means of attracting someone of the opposite sex. So where can he dance? At the local country bar. After dinner and karaoke, my friends and I ended up at said country bar. I will never forget for the rest of my life what happened after I presented my I.D. and walked in: "Cowboy Casanova" was playing, and there was X, with some skanky-looking victim, just off the dance floor practicing the pretzel. I simply sauntered past him with a small, knowing smile on my face, and then found a table.
I didn't speak to him. He didn't dance with anyone else until the very end of the night, when the girl he had slept with the night I left him asked him to dance, but just before that, after my friends had left the table, I felt someone nudge me. I look over, and it's X. He said hi, I said hi, and I asked him how he'd been. He said, (with a forlorn look on his face) "Okay." He asked me the same, and I said, (with a medium smile) "I've been great!" It felt good to see his reaction. He apologized for everything. I said, "It happens." He didn't like that answer. I used my fairly decent acting skills to make him believe that I was very happy without him. And not all of it was acting.
Later, when I was on my way back to the hotel, I checked my phone and X had been texting me incessantly since 1:00 a.m. "It's nice to see you", "Okay, I get it", and "Can we talk?" I did text him, telling him there was nothing to talk about, but I feel really good about the fact that he wanted to come to the hotel where I was staying, I had had quite a bit to drink, and yet I told him no, and slept alone that night. Huge feat for me.
But...since then he's texted me or called me everyday. I've been insistent that it's over, that there is no chance for us. That I had drawn a line, and after a year and a half of cheating and lies, he'd crossed it. I mean...the rest of it I could make excuses for, but he begged me to move in with him, promising he would never hurt me again, and within two months I was packing myself and my children...for the third time in 6 months. I wanted to kill him, but I knew when I moved in that he wouldn't change, so I'm just as much to blame.
After several days, though, the anger was going away, and it was harder for me to dismiss his pleas for reconciliation. He started calling me baby again. He told me the girl he'd slept with was terrible in bed, and that no one would ever compare to me, and that he just did it to forget about me for awhile, but after it was over, and he went home, the misery was still there.
It's in my DNA to be compassionate. Even when someone is hurting me...I might punish them and make them feel my wrath, but if I see them desperate and pitiful, I can't help but feel sorry for them. And X is pitiful. Not that he deserves my pity or forgiveness, but I gave it to him, anyway.
I made it clear that we were NOT back together. I didn't want to hear that he would change, I wanted to SEE it. From afar. He deleted his Facebook page, deleted the Easy Sleazies from his phone (everything done before) and constantly told me how happy I made him. But this is the only part of our pattern that we're good at. We've both learned to crave the "makeup" segment of the cycle. Like an abusive relationship, we relied on the good parts of our relationship (and in truth, there was a lot of good) to help me ignore his dishonesty and the mistrust.
But as the days went on, as the shine wore off, the old feelings of resentment and mistrust seeped back in. It was much easier to see him for he really is from an hour away. That, and I had started talking to someone new, and it was nice to remember what it was like to have a discussion with someone and not wonder if everything that came out of their mouth was a lie.
The day after I found out about X talking to a girl on Facebook and started packing, X started talking to a new girl. A conversation in which I print screened and saved--knowing I would be in the situation I was in before long--to remind me of why I left. I'm glad I did, because X has been talking about going away together on a vacation--something he knew I wouldn't say no to, I love to travel. I read the conversation, read his disrespectful, disgusting words, disregarding our relationship like a one night stand to an apparent stranger, and my ears got hot, and my hands started shaking. I was right back where I started: Pissed and Up-to-Here with his bullshit.
So at 2:00 a.m. this morning, I text him. "I'm not going on a trip with you, or anywhere with you." He text back, "Why baby????" I said, "I saved your conversation with Kat, and I just re-read it, and it pissed me off all over again. I remember why I left. It's just not going to work."
Then I turned off my phone. This morning, I had three texts and one missed phone call--all of which I just deleted, trying my very best not to look at them. I caught one part saying, "It will work, baby..." but I didn't read the rest. I've got to let go of him. I have been aware the entire 18 months I've known X that he wasn't good for me, and that he would never change. It's a hard pill to swallow when it's like you're on the outside looking in, watching yourself make these bad decisions based on emotion, and do them, anyway.
Whether X likes it or not, I'm moving on. Things are happening in my life (for the extreme better) and they have all literally happened AFTER I walked away from him. I believe in God, I'm not sure how much influence he asserts over our lives, but that can't be a coincidence.
...and it feels good to have finally made the right decision concerning him for once.
A couple of weeks ago, I saw my ex boyfriend, who I shall refer to as X. I went out with a couple of friends of mine, fully aware that I would run into X, because X, when single, is a barfly. X is a really good two-stepper/swing dancer, and he feels like dancing with girls is the sole attribute he has going for him as means of attracting someone of the opposite sex. So where can he dance? At the local country bar. After dinner and karaoke, my friends and I ended up at said country bar. I will never forget for the rest of my life what happened after I presented my I.D. and walked in: "Cowboy Casanova" was playing, and there was X, with some skanky-looking victim, just off the dance floor practicing the pretzel. I simply sauntered past him with a small, knowing smile on my face, and then found a table.
I didn't speak to him. He didn't dance with anyone else until the very end of the night, when the girl he had slept with the night I left him asked him to dance, but just before that, after my friends had left the table, I felt someone nudge me. I look over, and it's X. He said hi, I said hi, and I asked him how he'd been. He said, (with a forlorn look on his face) "Okay." He asked me the same, and I said, (with a medium smile) "I've been great!" It felt good to see his reaction. He apologized for everything. I said, "It happens." He didn't like that answer. I used my fairly decent acting skills to make him believe that I was very happy without him. And not all of it was acting.
Later, when I was on my way back to the hotel, I checked my phone and X had been texting me incessantly since 1:00 a.m. "It's nice to see you", "Okay, I get it", and "Can we talk?" I did text him, telling him there was nothing to talk about, but I feel really good about the fact that he wanted to come to the hotel where I was staying, I had had quite a bit to drink, and yet I told him no, and slept alone that night. Huge feat for me.
But...since then he's texted me or called me everyday. I've been insistent that it's over, that there is no chance for us. That I had drawn a line, and after a year and a half of cheating and lies, he'd crossed it. I mean...the rest of it I could make excuses for, but he begged me to move in with him, promising he would never hurt me again, and within two months I was packing myself and my children...for the third time in 6 months. I wanted to kill him, but I knew when I moved in that he wouldn't change, so I'm just as much to blame.
After several days, though, the anger was going away, and it was harder for me to dismiss his pleas for reconciliation. He started calling me baby again. He told me the girl he'd slept with was terrible in bed, and that no one would ever compare to me, and that he just did it to forget about me for awhile, but after it was over, and he went home, the misery was still there.
It's in my DNA to be compassionate. Even when someone is hurting me...I might punish them and make them feel my wrath, but if I see them desperate and pitiful, I can't help but feel sorry for them. And X is pitiful. Not that he deserves my pity or forgiveness, but I gave it to him, anyway.
I made it clear that we were NOT back together. I didn't want to hear that he would change, I wanted to SEE it. From afar. He deleted his Facebook page, deleted the Easy Sleazies from his phone (everything done before) and constantly told me how happy I made him. But this is the only part of our pattern that we're good at. We've both learned to crave the "makeup" segment of the cycle. Like an abusive relationship, we relied on the good parts of our relationship (and in truth, there was a lot of good) to help me ignore his dishonesty and the mistrust.
But as the days went on, as the shine wore off, the old feelings of resentment and mistrust seeped back in. It was much easier to see him for he really is from an hour away. That, and I had started talking to someone new, and it was nice to remember what it was like to have a discussion with someone and not wonder if everything that came out of their mouth was a lie.
The day after I found out about X talking to a girl on Facebook and started packing, X started talking to a new girl. A conversation in which I print screened and saved--knowing I would be in the situation I was in before long--to remind me of why I left. I'm glad I did, because X has been talking about going away together on a vacation--something he knew I wouldn't say no to, I love to travel. I read the conversation, read his disrespectful, disgusting words, disregarding our relationship like a one night stand to an apparent stranger, and my ears got hot, and my hands started shaking. I was right back where I started: Pissed and Up-to-Here with his bullshit.
So at 2:00 a.m. this morning, I text him. "I'm not going on a trip with you, or anywhere with you." He text back, "Why baby????" I said, "I saved your conversation with Kat, and I just re-read it, and it pissed me off all over again. I remember why I left. It's just not going to work."
Then I turned off my phone. This morning, I had three texts and one missed phone call--all of which I just deleted, trying my very best not to look at them. I caught one part saying, "It will work, baby..." but I didn't read the rest. I've got to let go of him. I have been aware the entire 18 months I've known X that he wasn't good for me, and that he would never change. It's a hard pill to swallow when it's like you're on the outside looking in, watching yourself make these bad decisions based on emotion, and do them, anyway.
Whether X likes it or not, I'm moving on. Things are happening in my life (for the extreme better) and they have all literally happened AFTER I walked away from him. I believe in God, I'm not sure how much influence he asserts over our lives, but that can't be a coincidence.
...and it feels good to have finally made the right decision concerning him for once.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Slippery Slope
It should be easier to let someone hurt who's hurt me so deeply. I should let him writhe in the depths of his despair and let the loneliness burn him to ash, but I can't. I see that he's hurting and I want to fix it. Making him feel better has so far been my downfall when it comes to him, and he knows that. The man I love never hesitated to manipulate my feelings, and I let him. Now it seems that every time I take a step to heal, he's right there, standing in my way. I see it, and I allow it.
This weekend I went out with friends. I knew I would run into him, but I was feeling strong, and knew I would be okay. And I was. Even seeing him with other girls and taking them on the dance floor, I was fine. But the second I was at my table alone, he was right there, talking to me, asking me how I was. Now he has been texting and calling me incessantly. He admitted to going home with someone from the bar the night I left him. Last night I finally put my foot down. I told him I couldn't carry his grief, too, that it was unfair for him to expect me to make him feel better, and that we needed a clean break so that we could heal. We said our goodbyes, said we loved each other, and I hung up the phone.
Five minutes later he texted me. I make up the excuse that if I don't text him back, he sends me three more or calls, but if I stick to my guns and refuse to answer, he would eventually get the hint. Still, I let him. I am a strong person in every facet of my life except when it comes to him. And when we were together I wasn't particularly that happy...exhausting myself to keep a step ahead of his serial cheating and habitual lying. It's almost as if I feed off of him needing me, and his groveling, and his misery. I also have a sick need to be the good guy. I want to make him feel better so I can live up to the way he describes me when we're broken up. It's a thin line between being the good guy and letting him manipulate me.
I will be honest, here. I want him back, but I know he doesn't belong in my life. After uprooting my children and his latest indiscretion with a random bar fly, even after everything else I've forgiven him for, the aforementioned things are roadblocks in my mind. Which I suppose I should be thankful for. Otherwise when he asked Friday night, I would have let him come to my hotel room, and I would have let him back into my life when he so obviously doesn't deserve it.
Once again, I feel I'm on the outside of my life looking in, helpless and screaming at myself to make a different decision. To change my behavior. He is like this force of gravity that pulls me in whether I want to or not. I've dug in my nails to my new life and I'm hanging on, but at the same time I want to let go.
This weekend I went out with friends. I knew I would run into him, but I was feeling strong, and knew I would be okay. And I was. Even seeing him with other girls and taking them on the dance floor, I was fine. But the second I was at my table alone, he was right there, talking to me, asking me how I was. Now he has been texting and calling me incessantly. He admitted to going home with someone from the bar the night I left him. Last night I finally put my foot down. I told him I couldn't carry his grief, too, that it was unfair for him to expect me to make him feel better, and that we needed a clean break so that we could heal. We said our goodbyes, said we loved each other, and I hung up the phone.
Five minutes later he texted me. I make up the excuse that if I don't text him back, he sends me three more or calls, but if I stick to my guns and refuse to answer, he would eventually get the hint. Still, I let him. I am a strong person in every facet of my life except when it comes to him. And when we were together I wasn't particularly that happy...exhausting myself to keep a step ahead of his serial cheating and habitual lying. It's almost as if I feed off of him needing me, and his groveling, and his misery. I also have a sick need to be the good guy. I want to make him feel better so I can live up to the way he describes me when we're broken up. It's a thin line between being the good guy and letting him manipulate me.
I will be honest, here. I want him back, but I know he doesn't belong in my life. After uprooting my children and his latest indiscretion with a random bar fly, even after everything else I've forgiven him for, the aforementioned things are roadblocks in my mind. Which I suppose I should be thankful for. Otherwise when he asked Friday night, I would have let him come to my hotel room, and I would have let him back into my life when he so obviously doesn't deserve it.
Once again, I feel I'm on the outside of my life looking in, helpless and screaming at myself to make a different decision. To change my behavior. He is like this force of gravity that pulls me in whether I want to or not. I've dug in my nails to my new life and I'm hanging on, but at the same time I want to let go.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I Named My Grief Today
Well, not really. I went to talk to a counselor today in Enid, to help me move on, and understand some of what I'm feeling and why. She wants me to name my grief--to detach myself from the grief I'm feeling, and make it separate from me--but it's not as easy as I thought it would be.
As a writer, I love to bestow names onto my characters, but I just can't seem to get this one right. Right now, it seems so big, and so daunting that a human name doesn't seem to fit. Nothing sounds ominous enough. When I think of a name, men's names scroll through my mind, so I've narrowed it down to at least a gender.When I think about times of sorrow in my life, it is almost always associated with men. My absent father, my grandfather, the death of my father, my ex-husband, and now the man I love. Men hurt me, and so my grief will be male.
That said, I feel like my grief runs so deep, and is so much a part of me that it doesn't want a name. It wants to sit and fester, and lie comfortably deep within me, like a monster hiding in the shadows. Everyone told me to let go of my anger, and when I did, that let in such an overwhelming pain that I could barely stand it. I'm afraid of what emotion will replace the grief.
This afternoon and evening, I've felt fairly numb. I don't feel like myself anymore, just someone that's going through the motions of daily life. Trying to get through the day and somewhat resemble the mother and friend I used to be before I had this huge fucking hole in my chest.
Maybe I'll think of a name tomorrow.
As a writer, I love to bestow names onto my characters, but I just can't seem to get this one right. Right now, it seems so big, and so daunting that a human name doesn't seem to fit. Nothing sounds ominous enough. When I think of a name, men's names scroll through my mind, so I've narrowed it down to at least a gender.When I think about times of sorrow in my life, it is almost always associated with men. My absent father, my grandfather, the death of my father, my ex-husband, and now the man I love. Men hurt me, and so my grief will be male.
That said, I feel like my grief runs so deep, and is so much a part of me that it doesn't want a name. It wants to sit and fester, and lie comfortably deep within me, like a monster hiding in the shadows. Everyone told me to let go of my anger, and when I did, that let in such an overwhelming pain that I could barely stand it. I'm afraid of what emotion will replace the grief.
This afternoon and evening, I've felt fairly numb. I don't feel like myself anymore, just someone that's going through the motions of daily life. Trying to get through the day and somewhat resemble the mother and friend I used to be before I had this huge fucking hole in my chest.
Maybe I'll think of a name tomorrow.
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