6 weeks forward...6 weeks back

I got a new job. Yesterday I had to get blood work, a physical, and a TB test. I was already a little upset because X had text me about something random. I kept it short and polite, but after seeing him slobbering all over a barely 21 yr old blonde Saturday night (and him texting me at 3 a.m. saying he wanted only me), it was upsetting to hear from him.


So I'm in the lab, waiting to get my blood drawn, and the girl in the lab says, "I haven't seen you out lately." I said, "I was out Saturday." She asked with who, and I said, "Not with Jeff." I knew exactly what she was asking, no reason to beat around the bush. She said, "I saw your douchebag last weekend. A bunch of the girls from OB were there and he finally got one of them to dance with him, and then he followed around her all night. I finally walked up to them and said, 'If any of you date him, I'll hate you.' They said, 'Why', and I told him he was a player. They said, 'Oh, we can play.'"

I just stood there. I'm not sure which part disgusted me worse...that she felt I wanted to hear that X is up to his old bullshit, or that girls are being warned about this idiot and they welcome it with open arms. I can't say much...I was warned repeatedly, by several different people, and didn't listen. And then we wonder why we're stuck in such awful relationships with men who treat us badly. BECAUSE WE LET THEM.

Anyway...it ate at me all day. Ruined my whole fucking day. I was angry that she told me, I was angry that he's telling me he still loves me and wants me and misses me and is trying to get laid every night the bar is open, and I was angry that I was angry. It's been six weeks! I want to feel better, not worse. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Let me be very clear: We are past the point of getting back together...not that either of us would, anyway. He says he still loves me, but I can tell the way he talks to me now that things are different for him, too. We're in a different stage of the break up than we were just a few weeks ago. I DO NOT want him back. I am mourning the man I was in love with. He never existed, and I feel like he has died. I'll never see him again. I'm mourning the plans we'd made. I'm living with the pain every hour of every day that is created when I see or hear something that reminds me of him. Which is every commercial, every television show, every movie I've seen in the last year and a half, and every song I've heard in that time. Every place I've been. I feel like I'm in Hell.