Slippery Slope

It should be easier to let someone hurt who's hurt me so deeply. I should let him writhe in the depths of his despair and let the loneliness burn him to ash, but I can't. I see that he's hurting and I want to fix it. Making him feel better has so far been my downfall when it comes to him, and he knows that. The man I love never hesitated to manipulate my feelings, and I let him. Now it seems that every time I take a step to heal, he's right there, standing in my way. I see it, and I allow it.


This weekend I went out with friends. I knew I would run into him, but I was feeling strong, and knew I would be okay. And I was. Even seeing him with other girls and taking them on the dance floor, I was fine. But the second I was at my table alone, he was right there, talking to me, asking me how I was. Now he has been texting and calling me incessantly. He admitted to going home with someone from the bar the night I left him. Last night I finally put my foot down. I told him I couldn't carry his grief, too, that it was unfair for him to expect me to make him feel better, and that we needed a clean break so that we could heal. We said our goodbyes, said we loved each other, and I hung up the phone.

Five minutes later he texted me. I make up the excuse that if I don't text him back, he sends me three more or calls, but if I stick to my guns and refuse to answer, he would eventually get the hint. Still, I let him. I am a strong person in every facet of my life except when it comes to him. And when we were together I wasn't particularly that happy...exhausting myself to keep a step ahead of his serial cheating and habitual lying. It's almost as if I feed off of him needing me, and his groveling, and his misery. I also have a sick need to be the good guy. I want to make him feel better so I can live up to the way he describes me when we're broken up. It's a thin line between being the good guy and letting him manipulate me.

I will be honest, here. I want him back, but I know he doesn't belong in my life. After uprooting my children and his latest indiscretion with a random bar fly, even after everything else I've forgiven him for, the aforementioned things are roadblocks in my mind. Which I suppose I should be thankful for. Otherwise when he asked Friday night, I would have let him come to my hotel room, and I would have let him back into my life when he so obviously doesn't deserve it.

Once again, I feel I'm on the outside of my life looking in, helpless and screaming at myself to make a different decision. To change my behavior. He is like this force of gravity that pulls me in whether I want to or not. I've dug in my nails to my new life and I'm hanging on, but at the same time I want to let go.